Monday, November 28, 2016

The Unrefined Mind

You know, nowadays, we can all project an image of ourselves. Every word, every picture, every "share" can be refine, revised, rethought. It can be molded to be what we want it to be and to no longer shows who we really are, what we really think.

It's so easy to do it on social media, but I think we also all do it in real life too. And so, this space is my attempt to push back; it is to fight against my desire to control who I think I am and against the image which I desire myself to be seen.

These are my thoughts. These words which I write will come from my mind, to my hands, to the keyboard, to the screen and to the web. Unrefined. Unedited. Unpolished. Some may not make sense to you. Some probably will not make sense to me. Grammar will be bad. Sentence structure as well. Spelling will be usually right though, because of spell-check. Read at your discretion.


I see evil lurking inside of me. I need to ride fast as my thoughts come into being, or I will over analyze things and get stuck.

How do you describe a feeling? How do you put emotional/illogical content into words? How do you try to describe something when it barely makes sense to you?

I am evil. Rotten. Sinful. Bad. There are many different ways to say it. Or more precisely, my heart is evil. I've been told that perhaps everyone is evil/sinful. That could be true, but in a sense, I can only know. All I know for sure that my heart is evil.

What is evil? It means that the heart is untameable. It does what it wants---it does what it desires. It is a wild animal which seeks for what pleases it, what gratifies it. It seeks the shortest way to pleasure and it seeks only it's own pleasure. It does not care about the outcome; it does not care about the rules; it does not care for the right way. It does not take the right way eventhough it knows the right way.

It searches, it explores, it longs, it craves. It eats but is never satisfied. It binges, it's impulsive. It digs itself down a hole and is left empty handed in the end. It does evil and regrets, yet continues to do evil and continues to regret. It is a cycle of doom; a spiral into the darkness. It goes down roads that it would not have imagined going down at the start.

The evilness is subtle though. It loves the darkness and it hates the light. It does things behind closed doors, behind closed minds. It creeps up slowly and like a frog being boiled in water, it does not realize it's being killed until it's dead.

It comes with an emptiness--a knot in the stomach; a void. It seeks to be distracted; it does not like attention from the mind.

Again, it is subtle. It does not show up when you're "busy". It's when you have nothing to do or maybe too much to do.

No one wants to talk about it. No one enjoys talking about it, or even thinking about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't enjoy talking about it.

It is an absolute evil and it gets away by comparing. It compares itself with the people around it, or more precisely, to it's perception of other people, whether real or unreal, and mostly the later. And that's how it hides: it hides in plain sight, under the facade of imagination. It conjures up good images of the self, and bad images of others, and it convinces me that I am good, that I am okay at the very least.

But if I were to stare it in the face.. If I were to look within and see it face-to-face, like I'm trying to do now, it cannot hide. The evilness is plain and obvious.

What can I do? And if this is you, too, what can you do? I'm not sure.

Well, I can cry and despair and maybe I should cry and despair. Because it's true and because it sucks.

"What can man do in the face of such reckless evil?" "Ride out and meet them..."

Why can't I change? Why can't I be better? Why can't I learn? Or more precisely, why can't my heart be better? Is it getting better?

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Back to Blogging

Hi there,

Maybe I should starting writing again. I really do need to practice writing more. Practice makes perfect, right? But not today. Today, I have decided to start again and that is enough work for the day. Tomorrow, perhaps, or maybe the day after?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Trying Your Best

Heard recently, from a mum to a son, "Just do the best you can to your ability. I'm not asking you to get top in class, but I'm asking you to use the intelligence God gave you to its maximum potential."

If you don't think much, this could seem pretty simple, it's just doing your best and that's that. But does doing your best mean working hard? You would say, of course. Then does doing your best mean working all time? No, you would say. But doesn't doing your best mean working as hard as you can? And working as hard as you can means working all the time, no?

Balance in life is crucial, that's true, but who is it who determine that balance? Who's balance is right?

In the end, we must determine ourselves what point can be considered our best and what point is considered being a workaholic.

Am I a workaholic or am I just trying my best? Hmm...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Why not me?

"This disease, why did it choose me?" wrote Aya Ikeuchi in her diary when she found out that she was diagnosed with an incurable neurological degenerative disease. But for us 'healthy' ones, we should ask ourselves, Why didn't it choose me? What if it had?

Now, it is not easy to really know how it feels being in a situation that you have never been in. Yet, I believe that if we are able to convince ourselves that we are going to die in 6 months, we would gain much perspective in our lives.

What would you do if you were going to die soon and knew it?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Where does the buck stop?

Everyone does work, although the amount and the degree of intensity of the work greatly varies from one person to another. For some, the work for the day may be just getting out of bed; for others work stretches forth from before the sun makes its appearance to the wee hours of the morning. It is obvious that neither extremes are healthy; we should not waste our time doing nothing nor should we overburden ourselves with work. But what is the healthy middle? How much work and responsibilities should we commit to? Once again, there is a vast amount of grey area in which the boundary between doing too much work and doing too little is vague.

In the end, it really comes down to introspective judgement. When we were young, our parents where the ones who fixed the amount of work and play we do each day. But as 'mature' people now, we can no longer depend on others to tell us what we can or cannot do, but have to really on our own judgement and on God's.

It's not easy--definitely not--to determine how much we are capable of doing or how heavy the burden we can bear. Indeed, we bear the consequences of our actions: take too many responsibilities and we burn out; take too little and we find ourselves unproductive and unsatisfied. "Reach for the stars, and you will at least get the moon", they say. But, I'd say to them: "Reach for the stars, and you might not get back on earth".

Be careful what you reach for.

Sunday, August 15, 2010



You come into my sight,
And catch me there and then.
Like a lamb to a lion,
So I am to your words.

You open yourself up to me,
Showing me, telling me,
What no one can do.
Love and hatred, honour, horrors.

You slowly reveal your innermost secrets,
Captivating my body, my mind and perhaps my soul.
Through the wee hours of the morning,
The thoughts, the feelings, seem unending.

You are jealous and attention-seeking,
Demanding more and more of me,
Till I know not,
Whether my indulgence is right or wrong.

You wake up sentiments of the unknown,
That had laid dormant before your appearance.
Each turn I take with you,
Leads me to another wild experience.

You, finally, are but done with,
And my hands place you back to sleep.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Skipping School

"Hey, where were you on Tuesday?", I was asked. "At home. . . Studying." I replied to the confusion of my inquisitor. "Don't we come to school just to do that?"

Now, before you jump to conclusions, you should know that I do think that school is a very good place to learn and to built up a person in many expects: intellectually, emotionally, physically, etc.. But at times, school can become more of a burden and a place for social activities that it loses its effectiveness in educating students. Recently, I have been noticing that more and more students are becoming aware of this situation. Heard from a tuition class, "So many of us always skip school. Even the principal took notice and reprimanded us. But, what do we do when we come to school? We're just wasting time!". Well, that might be an exaggeration, but the words were along that line. And that was concerning the cream of the school!

So, why do we skip school? Basically, it starts when we realise that we can study more and learn more at home than we do at school. At school, we have to sing the school song, entertain or peers, and be engaged in a lot of tangential activities to our studies. However, the main reason is probably concerning the productiveness in class. Approaching the end of our teen years and the beginning of adulthood, teacher's are now unable to use "physical" (read: the cane, the hand) punishments to subdue our naughtiness. During these transition years, we are old enough that we have to be treated maturely, but still too young to act maturely. As a result, classes lose their effectiveness when students do not cooperate and do not do their work. Chatting is contagious and after a while, even those who really want to study end up getting frustrated.

Now, let me give you a rough idea about how my different classes unravel throughout the week. In English teacher is my class teacher; thus, a lot of time during English period is spent on administration. During actual English teaching, we learn our literature components for almost the better of the year. Although this really a good way that students can learn presentation skills, I think its a bit unprofitable to hear from someone what we can easily obtain from any good reference books. During essay writing, I am quite confident when I say that the majority of the class cannot complete even two paragraphs in a double period (one period is forty minutes). And that is really productive. Malay language is better in a sense that more work gets done, but concentration is still a factor.

Mathematics and Additional Mathematics class is beneficial when you lack understanding on a certain topic. After that, it is all about practice and practice. And I sure you that practicing problems at home is much better off without distractions.

And do I really need to talk about moral education and civics education classes? For moral, just get the format right and memorize definitions "moral values" and you're all set. Learning civics is a complete waste of time, along with it's patriotic purpose.

For the study subjects: History and science subjects, classes are really beneficial, provided you have a good teacher. However, memory work still plays a major part, especially for History and Biology. And to memorize, you need to concentrate. So, if you need to concentrate and you can't do so in school, is it not logically to stay home where you can?

However, there are those who never skip school and still do consistently well, for example Mr. J from my class. But, he claims that his home distracts him more than school does; thus, he finds school the better option. Plus, home studying is actually illegal according to school rules.

So, to skip school or not to skip school? My advice for students is to gauge yourselves in terms of self-motivation. If you feel you can study better at home and have previously successfully done so, by all means, do so. (Typically, these "study mood" periods come before an examination.) But if you can't study at home, go to school! At least, your subconscious mind might be able to absorb something.

So, do you now think I am justified in skipping school? I'll leave you with a saying from Winston Churchill (I think). And so he said, "My education was only interrupted by my schooling".