You know, nowadays, we can all project an image of ourselves. Every word, every picture, every "share" can be refine, revised, rethought. It can be molded to be what we want it to be and to no longer shows who we really are, what we really think.
It's so easy to do it on social media, but I think we also all do it in real life too. And so, this space is my attempt to push back; it is to fight against my desire to control who I think I am and against the image which I desire myself to be seen.
These are my thoughts. These words which I write will come from my mind, to my hands, to the keyboard, to the screen and to the web. Unrefined. Unedited. Unpolished. Some may not make sense to you. Some probably will not make sense to me. Grammar will be bad. Sentence structure as well. Spelling will be usually right though, because of spell-check. Read at your discretion.
I see evil lurking inside of me. I need to ride fast as my thoughts come into being, or I will over analyze things and get stuck.
How do you describe a feeling? How do you put emotional/illogical content into words? How do you try to describe something when it barely makes sense to you?
I am evil. Rotten. Sinful. Bad. There are many different ways to say it. Or more precisely, my heart is evil. I've been told that perhaps everyone is evil/sinful. That could be true, but in a sense, I can only know. All I know for sure that my heart is evil.
What is evil? It means that the heart is untameable. It does what it wants---it does what it desires. It is a wild animal which seeks for what pleases it, what gratifies it. It seeks the shortest way to pleasure and it seeks only it's own pleasure. It does not care about the outcome; it does not care about the rules; it does not care for the right way. It does not take the right way eventhough it knows the right way.
It searches, it explores, it longs, it craves. It eats but is never satisfied. It binges, it's impulsive. It digs itself down a hole and is left empty handed in the end. It does evil and regrets, yet continues to do evil and continues to regret. It is a cycle of doom; a spiral into the darkness. It goes down roads that it would not have imagined going down at the start.
The evilness is subtle though. It loves the darkness and it hates the light. It does things behind closed doors, behind closed minds. It creeps up slowly and like a frog being boiled in water, it does not realize it's being killed until it's dead.
It comes with an emptiness--a knot in the stomach; a void. It seeks to be distracted; it does not like attention from the mind.
Again, it is subtle. It does not show up when you're "busy". It's when you have nothing to do or maybe too much to do.
No one wants to talk about it. No one enjoys talking about it, or even thinking about it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't enjoy talking about it.
It is an absolute evil and it gets away by comparing. It compares itself with the people around it, or more precisely, to it's perception of other people, whether real or unreal, and mostly the later. And that's how it hides: it hides in plain sight, under the facade of imagination. It conjures up good images of the self, and bad images of others, and it convinces me that I am good, that I am okay at the very least.
But if I were to stare it in the face.. If I were to look within and see it face-to-face, like I'm trying to do now, it cannot hide. The evilness is plain and obvious.
What can I do? And if this is you, too, what can you do? I'm not sure.
Well, I can cry and despair and maybe I should cry and despair. Because it's true and because it sucks.
"What can man do in the face of such reckless evil?" "Ride out and meet them..."
Why can't I change? Why can't I be better? Why can't I learn? Or more precisely, why can't my heart be better? Is it getting better?